Life is a Barrel of Laughs

December 27

Answers to the Lesser Mysteries of Life

My internet pal "Pete" (Roger Peterson) the World Change Guy and I have been exchanging Holiday emails with deep thoughts about the mysteries of life. Those answers may take more time to evolve, but meanwhile, it has spontaneously occurred to me that there are many lesser mysteries of life which I have speculated about from time to time.

For example, why do shopping carts so often stick together? I think perhaps they are trying to mate, or maybe they are just being friendly. On the other hand, it could just be a design flaw that nobody in the industry has bothered to correct. I and other shoppers experienced this problem yesterday at the Chinese Supermarket, 99 Ranch Market.

Of course, there is always the age old question of why socks disappear in the washing machine, and what happens to them? Perhaps they dissolve in the detergent, but my favored explanation is that they pass through a wormhole into a different multiverse. Thus, they appear somewhere in another universe, of which there are an infinite number, each like a gigantic bubble in space. This multiverse thinking is in keeping with the theories of many physicists, incidentally, so I am not being totally whacko or flippant about it. I am serious; consider Dolly-Verse, for example.

Then there is the issue of the Andy Griffith show. You know the one -- in which he plays the sheriff of a little town named Mayberry. Why does everybody refer to his maid as "Aint Be." Perhaps it's just me, but it seems there is something very Shakesperian going on there. My guess is that it's a Shakesperian tragedy about the decline of small town America, disguised as a comedy.

Moving to love relationships, why is the wife always right and the husband is always wrong? Psychologists would probably say that women are more relationship-oriented than men, so they use their skills to win most of their arguments with their husbands. I can't help but think, though, that the term "husband" must be derived from the words "his" and "bend." Actually, men tend to be more independent, so the compromises that men make are more noticeable than those that women make, and show the man's love for the women. Thus really, the wife being "right" is a sign of a husband's love for his wife, while a wife indulging her husband's interests and needs is a sign of the wife's love for her husband.

There are also a number of things about our culture that I find personally puzzling. I guess the following are not so much mysteries of life, but mysteries of modern culture.

Frankly, the state of talk radio in America, for one thing, puzzles me. Why do people still listen to the idiotic and hateful drivel of conservative talk show hosts such as Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage and so forth, when there are brilliant and kindly options such as Hartmann and Maddow available? I grant that Randi Rhodes is a bit abrasive, but she at least knows what she is talking about. My guess is that the conservative shows are putting subliminal messages in the airwaves, which hypnotize listeners into a state of mindless consent. Alternatively, it could be the fact that they have far more radio stations than the progressives, and have been dominating the market with their propaganda for many years. On a side note, why do people still listen to obnoxious but less political "Shock Radio" hosts such as Howard Stern and Don Imus? Haven't they both attained the status of certified idiots yet, not to mention, complete jerks?

Turning my attention to children and Christmastime, why is it so easy to get children to believe in Santa Claus? I suspect that is for the same reason that most adults continue to adhere to the same religion that their parents believed in. Ah yes, the power of propaganda to shape young minds for life is a dangerous thing. Get 'em while they're young. Don't let us underestimate the power of the marketplace and shopping mall Santas as well, in promoting the notion that Santa Claus will bring gifts to children, hiding the fact that these gifts are storebought with the hard-earned money of the parents.

And why do so many parents prefer to teach their children that Santa Claus brings them presents, rather than telling the kids the truth that the parents bought the presents themselves? Is it because they are they afraid of letting the children know how much they love them, does Santa Claus represent the approval of a higher power, or is a a sort of game for parents to find out how long they can fool their children, before the children figure out who really gave them the presents?

Moving to sexual issues, what is the appeal of phone sex? Am I missing something here? It seems to me that it is phone sex which is missing a crucial element. And why is it that on television shows such as Boston Legal, or "Friends" (with "benefits") everybody ends up having sex with everybody else? Why don't they just have one big orgy and get it over with? Then they could cancel the show and the public -- including kids -- would not be continuously subjected to this promiscuity-is-fun-and-fine mentality.

Also, in movies, why does the girl so often hate the leading man in the beginning, then suddenly fall in love with him? Do movie makers really think that is appealing, or an accurate portrayal of life? Personally, I find it offensive. And in action/violent movies and shows, why are the bad guys always such bad shots, and the good guys such good shooters? And why does the hero always make his escape just in the nick of time? I know that is the only way for the good guys to prevail, given the miraculous nature of the hero's success, but it boggles the mind. And why are the good guys always better looking than the bad guys, but both good and bad gals are equally beautiful? Why don't movie makers and the makers of action television shows, try a little realism? Perhaps it is because the average viewer needs an escape from the humbling realities of life. Disturbingly enough, I have noticed that the scripts of many movies seem to resemble the thought processes of a paranoid schizophrenic. If filmakers want to create a fantasy, I think they should really make a fantasy, such as in Sci-Fi, not a pseudo-realistic fantasy. Perhaps we have already been subjected to too much escapism as a culture, though. That could account for the recent success of reality programming.

I find myself getting to be increasingly cynical as I progress here. That was not my intention. However, as a Social Psychologist, such critiques of society come easily to mind. Anyway, I seem to have run out of mysteries for now. I know there are more out there, and in here, but the mystery of memory retrieval processes is preventing me from accessing them.