People I Know
April 5
Be Nice to Them While You Have the Chance
The Home Front will have to wait for another day. Today continues the old folks week theme. Eunice and I just came back from visiting an old friend of hers -- old as in 89 years old. Eunice had not seen Dorothy for over 2 years. Now she is in an "old folks home," has gained weight, shakes, and is in generally poor condition. I must admit, I used to be rather squemish about old people. However, over the years, I have grown more accustomed to them. Perhaps it is part of growing older itself that we become more comfortable being around the frailties of old age. Eunice herself has always been good at dealing with the elderly or disabled since I have known her, on the other hand. Perhaps she was not always that way, but she took care of elderly, disabled and psychologically disturbed people in Taiwan for years. In fact, she owned a mental hospital and old folks home in Taiwan where she worked, and still owns it.
When we entered the place where Dorothy lives, after having had a bit of trouble finding it, I was met by the first employee I saw by "hello Dr. Warden." The employee was a former student of mine, a Filipino fellow named Emmanuel, who immediately recognized me. I also recognized Emmanuel, so I quickly felt pretty much "at home" there. Actually, being recognized and recognizing former students of mine is a rather common experience of mine, especially while out and about in Moreno Valley. By the way, the old folks home is conveniently adjacent to the hospital. I am sure that is not a coincidence. Emmanuel quickly showed us to Dorothy's room. Once there, it was rather distressing I must say to see Dorothy, since she had gained much weight, her right hand was shaking, she was frequently coughing, and she was difficult to recognize. She did not recognize us for quite some time, as it turned out. She thought I looked familiar, but did not recognize Eunice at all, which was strange, since Eunice knew Dorothy much better than I did. Nonetheless, Eunice and I kept a conversation going with Dorothy for about a half hour until I said her name "Eunice" quite loudly and clearly, at which point, Dorothy pointed to her head and said "boing, the light just came on; you used to come to the women's group, Eunice, and always brought lots of fruit you would give to everybody. And you're her husband, the professor" Dorothy added, pointing to me. After that, we continued to talk for probably another 15 minutes or so. We talked about Dorothy's friends, her two sons, husband (now deceased), daughter-in-law, Emmanuel, of whom Dorothy is quite fond, and life at the place where Dorothy lives.
The best thing about seeing Dorothy was how pleasantly surprised she was to see us. It made all of us feel very cheerful. Dorothy also had a roomate, who had trouble hearing and never spoke. Dorothy mentioned several times, tongue-in-cheek, that she and her roomate get along great, since she never talks. Eunice brought some drinks and candy for Dorothy, and also gave some to her roomate, which is to be expected where Eunice is concerned. As we were about to leave, Eunice gave Dorothy's roomate a piece of candy, which the roomate quickly put in her mouth. Meanwhile, Eunice said God Bless you to Dorothy's roomate. She finally smiled, and I think I could hear her say "Thank you." It was sort of a triumph, as was Dorothy finally being able to remember who we are, and made a fitting ending to our visit.
But wait a minute. I thought I should say goodbye to Emmanuel, so I stopped in the lobby for a moment to shake Emmanuel's hand and chat with him. By the time I was done with that, which only took a few seconds, Eunice was sitting on the couch talking to several residents of the home. That is par for the course with Eunice, so I should have expected that. Well, Eunice continued talking to the residents for about 15 more minutes, while I spoke with Emmanuel as he set up and started the movie "Slumdog Millionaire" on the televison set in the lobby. Emmanuel and I talked about how neither of us has much time to see movies, about the questionable aspects of the digital television conversion, television reception, high-speed internet access, and of course, school. When Eunice had finished talking to the other residents, she asked Emmanuel for a business card, asked Emmanuel to write Dorothy's phone number, and also asked Emmanuel and the other attendant to write their names on the business card.
I am very glad that my parents, as well as Shin and Mabel, are doing so well healthwise to this point in their lives, and do not need to live in a nursing home. But for all I know, before long, they could be living in nursing homes, and not long after that, be gone from this earth. Although I do not expect to be in a nursing home anytime soon, for that matter, for all I know I could soon find myself living in a nursing home, hoping that someone cares enough to visit me and brighten my day, just as Eunice decided to do for several elderly people today. And someday, all of us will be gone from this life that we have had the blessing of knowing, so -- treat those of us on the last leg of life's journey well, while we still have the chance. They truly appreciate it, assuming they have the mental faculties to. Certainly the people we met today in the convalescent hospital did. But however their appreciation is shown, if at all, we must remember that showing kindness to our seniors is the right thing to do, and the goodwill that generates goes a long way, like waves of goodwill running through our lives.
December 24
Sabrina
About 10 years ago (around the time that Hissy Cat first showed up here) I met an appealing and friendly little girl who was around 10 years old, while she was walking her little Pomerianian dog around our cul-de-sac. I wound up talking to her on several occasions. I would be in front of my house, perhaps petting my cat at the time, Sabrina, pulling weeds, or getting ready to get in my car, when the girl would come by. At that time, I think that Eunice must have been in Taiwan, so I had to do all homecare duties myself. Once, she came by herself, and asked me whether I had seen her dog. She said her dog had run up the street. Fortunately, she found her dog before long. I remember that commented that I seemed to like animals as well, and I told her that was true. I also told her about my pets, and we talked about animals. She told me that her dog's name was Annie, and that she had come from Argentina with her mother a couple years earlier. By this time, she already spoke fluent English. I don't remember whether she told me her name then, or whether I told her mine, but her name turned out to be the same as my cat's, Sabrina.
Flashing forward to this fall, I had a student in my MWF morning class named Sabrina, with a long, unusual hyphenated last name, who was distinctive looking, pretty, smart, engaging and somehow familiar. She was one of those people I quickly had an affinity with for some hard-to-define reason, as though there was good Karma between us, or perhaps a vague, pleasant memory. It was not until a few weeks later that I noticed her following behind me as I approached our street. It was then that I realized that she was the little girl down the street with the Pomeranian. A few days later, she drove up to my house in a car with her boyfriend, while Eunice and I were unloading cat food, appropriately enough, and revealed that she had also realized that we were neighbors. Later on, I figured out that Sabrina lives exactly three houses down the street from mine. As the semester progressed, Sabrina and I followed each other to or from school on several occasions. In class, Sabrina had an uncanny knack of anticipating my next point or seeming to know what I was thinking. Perhaps it was just because Sabrina was a very engaged student. In any event, having Sabrina in my class made for some interesting and amusing vignettes.
Sabrina was a very good and determined student. In fact, she had one of only seven "A"s out of about 130 students in three sections of General Psychology. Recently, in one of my talks with Sabrina, I found out that her ambition is to become a veteranarian. One of the best veteranary schools in the U.S. is in Davis, where my eldest brother teaches. I asked Sabrina whether she wanted to go there, but she said she wanted to stay closer to home. In any case, I am guessing and hoping that Sabrina will continue to be a successful student.
Sabrina's dog Annie is still alive and well, just like Hissy Cat. The strange thing is that, just like Hissy Cat, I had seen neither Sabrina nor Annie in the intervening years. I'm not sure I had seen her mother, either, so I really didn't know they still lived there, even though they only live 3 houses from me. Now, Sabrina has grown to be a fine young lady -- still the same cute girl, but grown up and in college. It is a strange feeling when I think of those days 10 years ago; they seem like they were only yesterday, but I know it was ten years ago. The saying "Where did the time go" comes to mind. Even though my independent perception of time has not accelerated and become a blur, and many things have happened since then, both in my life and in the world as a whole, even though I try to live in the present and not get stuck in the past, there is a compassionate, sentimental side of me which mourns the loss of the past, the fact that we cannot change it or relive it. On the other hand, as it turns out, Sabrina and I did have the opportunity to become reacquainted, and I am glad for that.
As Christmas approaches, let us be thankful for what we have, for all the "Sabrinas" in our lives, and for good Karma and its results.
May 22
I-Rong
I have only met I-Rong once (pronounced like EE-rong). She is one of Eunice's nieces, a daughter of one of Eunice's older brothers. As I recall, she came here relatively without warning several years ago, and there were a couple of guys with her (also from Taiwan). The next day, she left without saying goodbye. It was a strange experience. It seemed as though something was bugging her, perhaps her two guy friends, but I did not really know what it was. Perhaps it would have been better if Eunice had been here, but Eunice was in Taiwan at the time.
In college, I-Rong majored in Environmental Science, or some similar topic in Taiwan. Eunice was fond of her and thought of her as a good girl with a good major in college and a good mind. As stated above, my brief experience with her was somewhat troubling. Later on, after graduating from college, I-Rong went to mainland China to do business. This is very common for people from Taiwan to do, but given the horror stories that Eunice has told me about what has happened to Taiwanese in manland China, I find it difficult to fathom why they do it, except for the extremely large market and the faint possibility of great riches; it is something like the gold rush of 1849 when people from all over the United States were heading to California hoping to get rich.
I-Rong has been missing for several months. Even her own father cannot contact her. To complicate matters, she was in Chengdu, close to where the huge recent earthquake was. However, where she was, at least before she went missing, was not so affected by the earthquake, so that probably is not the problem The problem is that she has simply disappeared. To make matters worse, she had decided to invest in some expensive project, building some sort of new building, I think. We have no idea if it is still standing. The last year or so before I-Rong went missing, she had to keep asking her father and other family members for more money for the project. I think the total sum she needed was around 5 million dollars, but with the translation from Chinese Yuan and Eunice's difficulty with translating large numbers from Chinese, it is hard to say. In any case, there never seemed to be enough money, and the amounts required kept going up -- a familiar story. Eunice told me that I-Rong was not like that before; she never asked anyone for money, but something about the environment and culture in mainland China changes some people so that they turn greedy or super-ambitious. I am sure she had good intentions in bringing environmentally friendly applications to mainland China, but things seem to have gone completely wrong. We do not even know now, whether I-Rong is alive or not. Perhaps she is too embarassed by her failure to face her family.
As we can see from coverage of the Chengdu region earthquake, building construction in mainland China has been pretty shoddy. Unfortuanately, the poor quality of the bulidings is probably a major contributing factor to the large number of casualties. The last I heard on the news, there were more than 40,000 confirmed dead, with over 30,000 still missing. In addition, there were more than 5 million people who lost their homes. Meanwhile, it has been raining in the area and with the poor living conditions among the displaced, the chance of an epidemic of disease is rather high. On the positive side, the mainland Chinese government has been much more open to reporters and to international aid than in the past. Perhaps they have learned from their past experience, or perhaps it has something to do with the upcoming Olympics. Also, Chinese leadership has taken a more active role than in the past, of responding to this emergency. Their response certainly contrasts with that of the government of Myanmar to the deadly recent typhoon there. The government of Myanmar seems as though it is trying to hide something (perhaps government killings or even genocide) which is only making the disaster, and the perception of this government, even worse.
Ordinary Chinese people are doing much to help as well. Chinese medical personnel have more donated blood than they know what to do with. Chinese people are also donating money, time, food and other goods at record rates. This is a really good sign, and I am proud of the Chinese response to this disaster by both the government and the populace. Hopefully, the area will be rebuilt with better building standards, so that the buildings will not collapse so easily in other earthquakes. Also, I heard that plans are already being made to avoid building too close to the fault that moved last week. All of this stands in contrast to the horror stories that I have heard about happening to Taiwanese people in mainland China. I plan to have more about those in future posts. I think it is a matter of "a few bad apples" and a lack of legal regulation, though. Also, there seems to be a perception in mainland China that people from Taiwan are spoiled and rich, so many mainland Chinese resent those from Taiwan. I personally find most Chinese people to be very bright and ethical people, with good hearts. If I did not, I probably would not have married one. Perhaps the response to this earthquake is a sign that things are improving in mainland China, and that their society will be better regulated in the future. I just wish the people of mainland China could help us find I-Rong.
May 3
The Jia Family
There is this little hotel (and trailer park) in Blythe, California that my wife and I like. It is called the Blue Line Motel. I know that Blythe is not exactly one of the world's famous vacation spots, but Eunice and I have our reasons for going there. One of the reasons is the Jia family which run the Blue Line Motel. They are Chinese, originally from Shanghai, and Eunice is very friendly with them, speaking Mandarin. Like all Han Chinese family names, "Jia" is pronounced in one syllable, like "JYAH" spoken all at once. The name Jia sounds like the word for "family" in Chinese, except the accent is different; the name Jia goes down, while the word Jia meaning family goes up. Thus, the Jia family is the "Jia Jia," with the first Jia going down and the second Jia going up in tone.
We stayed at their motel during this spring break, our second stay there. Mr. and Mrs. Jia always seem to be cheerfully running around helping customers. When we first arrived, they immediately remembered us and in fact were very happy to see us. There was a man who came while we were checking in, who was having trouble opening his room, so Mr Jia went to his room to open it. After I had finished checking in, I noticed Eunice talking to that customer, and that his right arm was missing just below the elbow. Later, Eunice told me that he said he had lost his arm during the Korean War. He was luckier than his brother, though, who came back from Korea in a body bag. He told Eunice that he liked to stay in the Blue Line Motel when he was busy with work, because his children and grandchildren made it hard for him to rest. His work was bailing hay and other chores on local farms, 3 days per week, 16 hours per day. Well, that is what he said. When Eunice told me these things, my "BS-ometer" rose to warning levels. (You know, that's the part of your mind that tells you when things aren't really adding up; I think most people have one. If you don't, you had better get one, or else you will find yourself believing all sorts of nonsense and tall tales.) For one thing, to have been in the Korean War, he would have had to be in his 70's, but he appeared to be in his 60's. Okay, maybe he looked young for his age, so I could give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. But what man in his 70's does that sort of hard labor, and with only one arm? I guess it's possible. Perhaps he is another victim of the United States' incredible shrinking middle class, another one of Reagan and his crony's "pee-ons" as Thom Hartmann says, so any retirement benefits he receives are not enough and he still needs the money. It's frustrating as a person with normal curiosity, and especially as a Social/Personality Psychologist, that we meet people who tell us about their lives, but we often never really know what the true story is. People tend to be "spin doctors" with their own lives. I was thinking this man looked like some "sad sack" living on disability, with no job and no family, but if he was telling the truth, I suppose I would owe him an apology for doubting him.
To get back to the Jia family, Mr. Jia is a thin, spry man in his 70's. Mrs. Jia, is a cute, active older lady in her 70's. I find it amusing how Mr. Jia unself-consciously goes around with the button on his pants undone, although he wars a belt. One time, I asked him for napkins, and he handed me a role of toilet paper. Another time, we asked him to bring a can opener to open a can of tuna. He brought an automatic can opener, which I tried to use while he talked to Eunice. This turned out to be an adventure, as the handle fell off the can opener every time I tried to open the can. It was actually harder to use than a manual can opener. Finally, Mr. Jia used his extemsive experience with this particular can opener to cajole the can into opening. It took him two rounds of can-opening to get the can all the way opened, and by that time, there was a pile of tuna juice on the floor, so he quickly ran off to get some paper napkins and wipe up the juice. So that's how you get actual napkins! You have to spill tuna juice on the floor. Last year, they were equally helpful. They even brought a refrigerator to our room and brought us a bag of ice from the nearby Albertsons so that we could keep the fish that we had caught cold.
When we were leaving the motel, the Jia's were waiting for us so they could say goodbye. I had never seen such solicitous motel owners before, but I suspect it had something to do with Eunice being Chinese, and they enjoyed speaking Chinese with another Chinese person, even though Eunice is from Taiwan and the Jia family is from mainland China. They spoke mostly to Eunice, naturally, in Mandarin. Afterward, Eunice told me about their conversation. Eunice related to me that their son had gone to school here in the United States, and stayed after graduating, so it wasn't just Mr. and Mrs. Jia. In fact, their son was living in Irvine, California, and had invested in this motel, and wanted his parents to come and run it (no one better to rely on than trusted family). Thus, Mr. and Mrs.Jia obliged and moved to Blythe, California, probably unaware that it is a small town in the middle of the Mohave Desert, its only saving graces being that it lies alongside the Colorado River, and the 10 freeway goes through it. Mrs. Jia told Eunice that she missed Shanghai and found Blythe to be very isolated. (Actually, there are several Chinese restaurants in town, though. It's remarkable how every little town in the United States seems to have at least one Chinese restaurant.) Eunice encouraged Mr. and Mrs. Jia to continue doing their good work, and to continue developing the business, which they said was doing pretty well. Eunice must have talked to Mr. and Mrs. Jia for about 15 minutes as I prepared Eunice's and my belongings to leave. Then we were on our way to a harrowing, flat-tire filled trip home.
People immigrate to other countries for many reasons. Mr. and Mrs. Jia immigrated (legally, I believe) to the United States to help their only child. As residents of Shanghai, they were apparently subject to China's one-child policy. They did not come to the United States because they were experts on running motels, or loved running motels, or thought they would make much more money in the U.S., or coveted greater freedom they might find in the U.S., or had heard that Blythe, California was a great place to live. They came to help their son, and spend more time with him. They came for the sake of family.
May 1
Yesterday, Eunice and I went to her daughter's house to have the new motor installed on the dishwasher. This time it was a different technician, Yolanda (a powerfully built Mexican-American woman much like Reyna), and she was there waiting for us when we got there. Last time, the technician was late -- he got there at 6 p.m. although the time frame was supposed to be 1-5 p.m. She installed the motor and got the machine working, but it was something of a dissapointment price wise. Despite promises of a free motor and free installation, or so we thought, we wound up paying $168.25, which represented a "discount" for both the motor and the labor fee. That is in addition to $89.95 for the service call last time, a total of $258.20 for a motor which should have been there to begin with. Yolanda told us to call GE if they had promised free service and a free motor. Still, GE was more fair and easier to deal with than The Home Depot. On the other hand, Eunice had once had a nightmarish experience with GE, so GE is suspect as well. She told Yolanda and myself about a time when she ordered an expensive GE refrigerator in Taiwan. It had to be shipped to Taiwan from the U.S,, and when it got there, it was missing a vital part so it would not work. She ordered the part, but it never came, so after 3 or 4 years of waiting and spending about $7,000 she gave up and bought a refrigerator from Taiwan.
Andrew
After my flat tire on the way back from our spring break trip, we took the car there to get new tires and have the car checked again. Since that is my only car, and we did not want to bother my parents for a ride again, we asked for a ride back home while the mechanics worked on the car. A young man who looked like he was still in high school came out to give us a ride. His name tag said his name was Andrew. Eunice commented that he looked like he was only 15 years old. Andrew assured us that he was 20 years old. He went on to tell us that he had been working at Integrity Tires since he was 18 years old. In fact, he started working there as soon as he turned 18. He did not even finish high school. What was the reason? He was the oldest of 6 children raised by a single mother, so his financial help was desperately needed by his family. Thus, he felt compelled to get a full time job as soon as he was legally an adult. He likes working at Integrity Tires. He does relatively simple things, like changing oil and installing new air filters on the cars being serviced, and of course, giving rides to customers. He is not qualified to be a mechanic, at least not yet, but at least he is taking home a steady salary which mostly goes to hs family. He lives simply, in an apartment with a friend of his, and eats lots of fast food. He tries not to spend much money, since he wants to give as much of it as possible to his family. Andrew told us all this while he was taking us home.
When the car was finished, Andrew came once again to pick us up at our house. On the way back, we talked more about his family. He said there were 4 boys and 2 girls. In fact, the youngest three were triplets and included the 2 girls. All 3 triplets were quite different (clearly fraternal). For instance, one girl was a "tomboy," while the other was ultra-feminine. Andrew had not seen his father in years, and did not know where he was. We did not ask him about what had happened between his parents to cause them to break up. When we arrived at Integrity Tires, Eunice gave Andrew a bag of soft drinks and some of those famous Avocados that I had picked and perhaps a few other small items. (By the way, I picked some more Avocados yesterday.) Andrew seemed grateful, and we said our thanks and goodbyes to each other. Both of us could tell that Andrew was a truly good-hearted person living under some hard circumstances. Once again, I was struck by the power of circumstance and opportunity, or lack thereof, in shaping a person's life. All too many people grow up in "broken homes" in the U.S., at least (statistics say around 50%), and all too many fathers fail to support their children even when ordered to do so by law. Perhaps many of them cannot support their children, to be fair to them. Perhaps they can barely support themselves. If our society were structured differently, with better pay for the average worker rather than enormous pay for the "Big Boss," and a better social support network, perhaps far fewer families would find themselves in dire financial circumstances such as Andrew's family has found itself in. Perhaps people such as Andrew in a fairer society would have the opportunity to explore their potential and develop their greatest strengths, rather than be compelled to take the most expedient route to financial solvency. I imagine, under better circumstances, Andrew would be going to college, choosing a major, and performing well in his coursework. I wish Andrew the opportunity to pursue his dreams, and not to live a life saddled by the debts incurred by others.
By the way, if you expected Andrew to be an African-American, or Mexican-American based on stereotypes, you would be wrong. Andrew is a Euro-American (i.e., "Anglo"), which is certainly typical of persons in Andrew's circumstances.
April 30
This is the first of a different type of post. Sometimes, I plan to post about people that I know. Some will be tributes to or sympathetic descriptions of living people, others, to people who have passed on.
Reyna
Reyna is a very powerful woman. She does things normally associated with men -- all sorts of handywork and construction work. Not only does she do these things, but she is more reliable and does a better job than the large majority of men. We first saw Reyna at our next door neighbor's house, the Whitely's while they were doing a large-scale remodelling project last year. She was there nearly everyday and did much of the work. Eunice got her phone number, realizing that she was a good worker and that we might want to hire her eventually to do some work. This year, we have already hired her twice, with the prospect of more work for her in the near future. When I went to The Home Depot with her, I was startled to see how easily she lifted and moved 90 pound bags of cement. Perhaps if there were women's weightifting competitiions where she is from, she would be a champion. Reyna may be a particularly powerful woman, but it is her personality and circumstances that really prompt me to write about her.
Reyna comes from Mexico and she is 27 years old. She has no green card and is here "illegally." Yet she is a more productive person than most native-born Americans. While not particularly beautiful, she is rather attractive despite her typical working garb similar to that of workmen. She speaks English surprisingly well, and has a gentle and caring personality. She told my wife about her ex-boyfriend, but how she is just as happy being single, at least for now. She is not greedy, only asking a reasonable fee for her work. She is resourceful, intelligent, and always pleasant to be around. She is one of 11 children (I think) and comes from very modest circumstances in Mexico. Higher education was probably out of the question for her and her siblings, unfortunately. Reyna learned her skills from her father and brothers who were handymen while she grew up. Fortunately for Reyna, she likes doing handywork, since that is one of the few opportunities open to her. She also works part-time at a restaurant. In fact, she was telling me a couple weeks ago that she had been working since 6 in the morning at the restaurant before going to work at my step-daughter's house. She ended up working into the evening that day.
Reyna to me exemplifies the arbitrary nature of immigration policy. People who govern over other people draw borders and decide who can or cannot be considered a citizen, and what a person must do to become a citizen. Yes, it is unfair in a sense to those who immigrate legally, such as Eunice, when others do so illegally, but many people, especially people such as poor Mexicans, do not have the opportunity to immigrate legally. Eunice certainly does not blame Reyna for her immigration status. If Reyna had been a champion shot-putter or any other sort of top athlete, or well-educated intellectual with special skills, the door to immigration probably would have been wide-open to her. Reyna may not be a champion athlete or a Rhodes scholar, but Reyna is a great person, and that counts for nothing in the eyes of our legal system.